Who you are is a dynamic, conglomerated heap of expectations generated in the center of ourselves….
The center that wants to be known, seen, held, respected, witnessed, honored. It is an image of the avatar you want to play in this game of life and duality.
Most of the time it’s a bit off from the objective truth. Or at least the self that others see from the outside.
It shifts and moves at any measure of pace imaginable, determined only by your current state of affairs. When you’re pleased with your life, the identity feels good. When you’re not, it feels like a straight jacket. Others look at you and expect things that some other person would do -but not you- and yet they’re looking you straight in the forehead.
To suggest that identity is static begs for a slap in the face as life shifts and all of your well laid assertions are blown out of the water when the winds change.
Welcome to the human condition.
When she was alive, my grandmother made cassette tape recordings. These hold definitive proof in the form of first hand accounts that I was, in fact, a ninja. I saved my sister from the bad guys a number of times. Somehow the windows were never locked?
You’d have to ask my parents for specifics but I believe I was also an astronaut. I spent some time as an Indiana Jones type wilderness explorer complete with hat, machete and walking stick.
Except that one stuck.
And to that point, I started in martial arts when I was thirteen or fourteen. Later moving on to Shaolin Kung Fu and Aikido. A bit of Italian Long Sword and a healthy dose of Norse sword and shield.
The expectation that I identified as a ninja was the beginning of a thread that influenced my decisions two decades down the road. The bushwhacking teenage tomb raider is still in me today, even if I don’t get out in the woods nearly as much as I used to.
Something about these notions appealed to me then as much as now.
Past lives resurfacing again?
Non Dual decisions born as flesh?
Rebellion against societal expectations?
Probably all three and more, but the important bit is I chose. I’ve always been one to choose. It’s in my blood and drives my will. I am deeply motivated to activate myself and deeply disturbed by any hint of complacency in my person. Some people are born with this, some aren’t.
But absolutely anyone can develop it.
I’ve helped a number of people find within themselves the seeds and threads of their own sovereignty with which reality becomes putty in their hands and “who am I?” is exactly “Whomever the fuck I want to be.”
I’m perplexed by anyone determined in their stuckness as something they don’t want with an uphill battle if they want out. I glance sideways at them with my teeth clenched so I won’t blurt out the seemingly obvious; you are stuck and require uphill battles explicitly if you expect them!
Some things must move through the flesh, sure.
Trauma can be projected or perceived, but when it’s soaked into the bones it takes time. Have to detox that stuff out of us. Sometimes with the patience of Buddha himself.
But for most other things, the road between what is and what can be is entirely determined by the one doing the walking.
I’ve had clients take a few conversations and a totem customized to them and completely and utterly evolved who they were, nearly overnight. I’ve watched speech syntax change radically with a single mental realization. Hell, I traveled the world VIP status for years without following hardly any of the expensive rules that most people hold up as effigies to the adventures they’ll never take.
I have witnessed beautiful humans defy even my own understandings of what could be done with the simple realization:
We are who we expect ourselves to be and that person will experience what they believe they deserve.
This includes the blindspot of not knowing what to expect; of not feeling the self we want to experience now so that it can roll into reality like royalty.
That’s the one that’s been kicking my ass lately.
You’d think that after everything I’ve manifested “against the odds” and the realities I’ve lived despite no clear path upon which to ride in on, that I’d have this one nailed.
But back to the beginning:
And as new notions enter and expectations shift, the pile wiggles and new things come out or old habits resurface. We’re playing five dimensional jenga with the human-expressed piece of our souls that came here to give it a go.
I notice myself noticing,
And the misalignment is palpable.
I watch my expectations bite
Like an unwanted snake
And I began to shift them.
Slowly at first, because I was grumpy and stubborn. I’d dove head first into projects and contributions that overran my awareness of self and landed squarely off center by about two hundred miles. This of course made it easy to outsource responsibility to others, which despite the disgusting taste it leaves in my mouth, I did anyways.
So the road back to knowing in my gut what I need for my soul has been a ride made possible by the best of partners and a few good allies. And largely by settling back into my own skin.
You might have found yourself out there somewhere,
Drifting the cosmos of a frustratingly dystopian version
Of the person you are unquestioningly sure you are.
Fret not, friend.
Fear not, adventurer.
Feel better, love.
The moment you admit you created it is the moment the power slams back into your steady grip like Obi Wan’s Lightsaber at the absolute best moment.
I can’t tell you how proud I am of your journey. Of our journey.
I’m pretty convinced we lose ourselves for the sheer joy of finding us again. I’m pretty sure everything is going better every day. I’d take you with me, but I’m confident…
You will take yourself,
With the greatest of ease,
When you’re ready.