me

When I watched the movie Interstellar, I did’t think many of the things I hear others say after such an experience.

“What a grand story.”

“That would be terrifying.”

“That will never happen.”

“He did a shit job with the character.”
Instead, I’m faced with the very visceral sensation of knowing that if these grand stories came true, If they were real for us in this moment, I’d be the pilot Cooper. I’d be the Young Doctor Brand. I’d be Murph.

When I watch movies like Lord of the Rings. Star Wars. Gladiator. I’ve never once seen them and doubted that they are possible. Never doubted that they are real. In this time, or some other, these stories are as true as what you ate for breakfast. And in those realities, I’d be Maximus. Strider. Han Solo.

There is, of course, an element to it of, “Ah, wouldn’t it be nice to be the hero, and live an exciting and amazing life like that?”.

There’s some part of me that wishes the world would shift in some monumental way so that the hero inside of me would be free. Free from taxes, flier miles, and grocery bills. Free from the drudgery of a civilization teetering nervously on the brink of something fantastic, while all manner of terrors loom over and around us. Free from living the way someone else has lived. Is living. Demands I live.

It’s escapism after all, and that energy is intentionally placed into the stories of hollywood. It’s meant to entice us. Keep us watching. It’s entertainment.

But there’s more to it. For me, there is something deeper. A foundational awareness of myself that is so deep and intrinsic to my core that it feels buried and imaginary at times, as if I dreamt it. Like so many grains of sand in a memory of some beach I went to once, it feels abstract and a bit fabricated. These times make me feel tired. Old. Forsaken. Other times it screams at me; lightning lashing at the depths of my mind. A neglected beast being smothered by the monotonous progression of time…

…and other times, it’s something else.

I think during these other times is when it is so close to the surface that others can see it.

I hear people say that my energy is empowering and exciting. That when they’re around me, they feel powerful and motivated and self reliant. That they feel more like themselves, and more capable, just for having spent time in connection with me. But I’m just being me. It’s normal, and in this manifestation of who I am it feels ordinary. There’s nothing so spectacular about a shooting star from the inside; it is simply the natural expression of a complicated arrangement of occurrences. The star, in it’s great explosion, doesn’t feel special. It simply is. The wonder occurs in observation of the event.

Inspiration is always in the beholder, as it should be.

It’s easy for me to forget all of this, and embrace the normalcy of it all…and then I remember the roots.

This intrinsic deepness to my self awareness that can blind me or fuel me… this thing that is more me than the person writing for you now…. I connect to it through these memories. Through this awareness. These sensations. These impressions while watching movies and reading stories…. And on the long road from here to deep down there, I forgot and remember that this thing connects to all eventualities. That the same sense of deepness is also tethered to another version of me in ancient rome, or one that sails across the galaxies. It’s tethered to the potentiality of me that explores uncharted forests…. and it connects, strongest now, to the version of me that is here. A Soultracker coach. A curious linguist. A devote self-growth advocate. An Explorer.

You see, when I dug down through the dust and the archaic constructs to figure what my purpose was, I found jewelry. I found craft. I found travel, and relationships, and communication. I found coaching, and then I found Soultracking. But what it took me until very recently to figure out, is that at the foundation of these things is Exploration. Exploration of life. Of humans, and animals. Of relationships and connections. Of time and space. Of dirt and trees. All of the things I’ve spent my life on have been forms of the base. Expressions of the principle. Fruits of the plant.

So when I see these movies with characters that don’t technically exist… doing crazy, adventerous, explorative, amazing things…. there’s a part of me that’s sad. It’s a sensation somewhere between nostalgia and impatience. Sad that the manifestation of my Core Purpose is so subtle in comparison, and less heroic in experience. But none the less, between the mind-splitting frustration and the blurred memories of an abstract past, I am Cooper. I am Strider. I am Maximus. These heroes are in me as an expression of my foundation. A shining example of my Truth. And from inside the expression, despite knowing better, it all seems quite ordinary.

So, most important in this life, above all others: I am Cedric.

Someday there may be a time when Cedric joins the ranks with Katnis and Neo; with King Leonidas and Rogue. And my hesitation will be so brief as to slip between the pillars of time that memory stands on, nothing but a whisper both forgotten and never witnessed, as I step willfully into the role of epic hero.

And in the meantime, I’ll be here. Watching. Tracking. Learning. Growing. Doing. Exploring. Being.

I will not go gentle into that good night.

-Cedric Winter Wolf Clitheroe

%d bloggers like this: